Thursday, May 20, 2010

Show Up, Show Off, Show Out

"You're turning 33 in a few days," Daddy Dearest said the other day. I was tempted to respond with the old Anglo-Saxon saying ("No shit!"), but seeing as his English is kind of rusty...

I just shrugged.

"So, what do you have to show for it?" he persisted.

"Show for what, exactly?" The eyebrow elevated on its own, I swear - after three decades of conversing with my parents, it's an acquired instinct: 5.6 seconds, express incredulity.

"Your life," my paternal parent elucidated.

Had it been anyone else, that would be the point when I began questioning motives behind the question - after all, the local average life expectancy already hit mid-seventies - but my parents love me (another thing I've been conditioned to supply instinctively)!


"Not much, unless you're into hardware," I shrugged again.

"Hardware?" Father blinked. "Like... cutlery?"

Eyebrow again; the man never disappoints.

"No, like disc drives," I countered. Though, if I was honest, there was one piece of cutlery which fit the occasion: a spork.

"Disc drives?"

Honestly, it's a mystery how he ever manages to wrap up a conversation...

"That's right. Desktop, laptop and..." Here I tapped my forehead for illustration, "...headtop. Disc drives."

You know how they say a look on someone's face can curdle milk? Well, if he ever gets bored of quality testing my father definitely has a career in dairy.

"No life savings, retirement funds, stocks... anything?!"

"Nope." I admitted. "I wasn't exactly planning on kicking the bucket yet, you see, but if you insist..."

All right, we're adding butchery to the list of prospective careers...

"You know, when I was your age..."

And that's when it happened - something went 'snap' in Dags' brain and the SNARK LOCK button engaged.

"You were living with your in-laws, driving halfway across the town to your workplace, and had two kids in the kindergarten, I know. I, on the other hand, live on my own, have my work served to me with my morning coffee, and both of MY kids are at home... Googling."

I bet he didn't even know "g" could be a sibilant. One does learn something new every day.

As my progenitors were leaving the premises, I caught another snatch of their conversation. "Yes, but she's female so she's vulnerable. If anything goes wrong between them, she's not going to..." my father was saying.

Eyebrow again.

"I wouldn't bet on it, Dad. If I were you... I really, really wouldn't bet on it."

Just watch me.

Click... you know you want to